My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
