How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
