"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
