I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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