So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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