I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
