Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
