last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
