forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
