Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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