Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
