i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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