I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
