The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
