watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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