i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
