its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dignity is for republicans.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
