Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
