You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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