Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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