Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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