please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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