apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
