you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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