he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
