Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
