Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
