My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
