Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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