I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
