Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
