I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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