Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
