Need sex. Gaining weight.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
