Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
two words: eviction party
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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