the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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