I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
