Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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