Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
