I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
