I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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