i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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