I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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