Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
