I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
