Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
