is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The ass gains better be worth it
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