Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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