I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
