I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
