the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
