I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
