so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
