me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
